Friday, June 20, 2008

Running with demons

Been fighting lots or running demons and other internal demons alot over the past couple of weeks...I can't seem to run even a mile lately without just feeling exhausted and hyper-ventalating, been having some restless nights with out much sleep so I have slept in and skipped the gym more than I care to admit. Last night was a long evening, but a good one so that helped; went to see a midnight showing of the new "Get Smart" movie. By the time I dropped my friend off and then got myself home it was almost 3am...guess getting up at 4:15 to head to the gym wasn't going to happen! Woke up around 6 and decided that maybe I was in need of a good "mental health day" so I call into work, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I woke up about 9am...the kitties just couldn't wait for breakfast any longer!...checked my emails, had a quick breakfast, chatted with my friend who was on his way to Canada for the weekend and then headed out to the gym! Was a beautiful day out and thought about heading down to the park to run, but the mile markers aren't marked real well and I was afraid I'd give up too early. Besides, somewhere in my head I had decided that I was going to run 3 miles or 30 minutes today! Ok, now first off, I haven't run a solid non-stop 3 miles in probably about 10-12 months and second well with running about a 11-12 minute mile I sure wasn't going to get in those 3 miles in the 30 minutes...seriously, what the hell was I thinking?!?!

I got to the gym did some ab work then lots of stretching then onto the track to warm up and then run! As I walked the track to warm up those demons that have bugging me lately woke up and started chattering...they were some strong ones today. What was going to only be 3-4 lap walking warm-up turned into almost 20 minutes of walking and fighting with those demons. To top it all off i'd left my i-pod at home, usually the music lulls the demons back to sleep or I just turn it up louder to drown them out and I focus on getting through the next song...but today no music, just me and the demons! They reminded me of the weight I've gained and the clothes that don't fit that did last year, reminded me of the skittles and diet Coke I'd had at the movies last night, and how slow I am when I do run, they brought up work and that with the merger I could be out of a job within the next year, they even brought up personal relationships, they had no boundaries today... I kept trying to quiet them and rationalize with them telling them - I am at the gym, I am working out, I have my trainer, overall I am eating better, I have proved myself at my job and if/when one door closes another will open, I have at least one good friend and others who care about me. Then I glanced at the clock, 11:30 exactly, and for a brief moment I ignored everything else in my head and all i heard was "Run!".... And I did...I ran. I turned their taunts into conversations and then into debates...I was going to dispell their aweful ideas. Suddenly a couple other people , faster people, came up to the track to run and I wondered if they had demons they were conversing with...or maybe it's just me and I am crazy?! I looked at the clock and 20 minutes had passed, I was already over a mile and a half, I did a quick check and everything was feeling fine. 30 minutes, that was basically my initial goal but I only have 8 more laps to go and I'll have my 3 miles...keep pushing, nothing comes easy, sometimes we have to find our limits... I can feel blisters forming on my big toe..."stop running on your tip-toes", "control your breathing"...Oh Now the Demons are Giving Running Advice!!...

When all was done I'd ran 50 laps (a smidge over 3 miles) in 35 minutes! I did it! I ran 3 miles without stopping. I know this is no real feat to some people, I read blogs of real runners who are doing a 3 mile warm-up before their 30 mile runs, some run 50k's and even 100-miles, but for me, today, my victory came at just a smidge over 3 miles long and I did it!

So now I am home and have the rest of the afternoon to myself and I feel content.

I know those demons will be back and I will be ready for them!

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