Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Personal Training update

The personal training workouts are moving along. As of today it has been one month since I started my sessions with Steve so today rather than working out I had the opportunity to get my self weighed and measured and pinched for body fat counts. Oh Yeah!

When I'd had my measurements and all done at the beginning I didn't ask to see them and didn't want to know, all I wanted to be told was after the next "check-up" if I'd improved. Now I did accidentally see my weight last time and that was fairly traumatic in itself (and was glad I didn't know the other numbers). So, following suit, I didn't want to know today either... I've already signed up for the additional sessions, he can see the numbers, he knows my goals, just work my ass of til I'm there (or my cash runs out). BUT, he had other plans, he shared. I've lost 7 pounds and a total of 6 inches. My body fat is still high, but Steve reassured me that in comparison to the Amer. Heart Assoc. I wasn't that far off from the "normal" range. Personally, I'm a little disgusted with my body fat count percent -- but then again 0% isn't a healthy percentage, body's need to have fat on them. Guess I have a few self image issues eh? lol, and if you knew me you'd know how true that is...

So after spending my hour of personal training time becoming frustrated... I went and ran! Tried to funnel my frustrations into pushing myself harder (which is something I've decided I am not doing enough of). I got in 2 miles and some good stretching time. Hopefully be able to match those 2 miles the next two days... I ran without the ipod again and it went well. Thinking of trying to go without it the next couple of days and see how it continues to go.

Dealing with Life in general

The reason behind this blog was to keep me in check with my workouts and my training and with trying to re-kindle my enjoyment of running. But, the things that happen in the rest of my life CLEARLY have an effect on my workouts and health habits (that and since nobody reads my blog, what difference does it really make what I write about on here... right? ok, well sort of right).

I think I'm living a page out of my life in bizarro world. Here's my thing... what's the statue of limitations on apologies?

If a situation occurs between two people and after the occurrence you have no contact or interactions of any sort with that person... Is it "ok" for that person to come out of the blue three years later and apologize? I have basically written this person off, they are no longer a part of my life and I have come to terms with it. Or at least I thought I had...

Does the situation change depending on the type of friend the person was; a life long/childhood friend, a co-worker friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend? I suppose the seriousness of the infraction plays a part, too, maybe.

Anyhow, I've had a blast from the past and had this other person come up out of the blue and apologize. The problem is, I am not certain of their intentions for this... (yes, I have trust issues on day-to-day basis but seriously not sure I can trust this person anymore after all that has happened). Now, lets say this person showed up two and a half years ago with this apology or even two years ago... I would have most likely jumped at the situation to make amends with this person. But so much has happened in my life in these three years...and I would have expected this person to be there for me during the times of my brother and Dad's illnesses. The truth is, this person wasn't there during my saddest darkest moments and I am not sure I can forgive that. Is that unfair? Selfish? or Human?


Friday, June 20, 2008

Running with demons

Been fighting lots or running demons and other internal demons alot over the past couple of weeks...I can't seem to run even a mile lately without just feeling exhausted and hyper-ventalating, been having some restless nights with out much sleep so I have slept in and skipped the gym more than I care to admit. Last night was a long evening, but a good one so that helped; went to see a midnight showing of the new "Get Smart" movie. By the time I dropped my friend off and then got myself home it was almost 3am...guess getting up at 4:15 to head to the gym wasn't going to happen! Woke up around 6 and decided that maybe I was in need of a good "mental health day" so I call into work, rolled over and went back to sleep.

I woke up about 9am...the kitties just couldn't wait for breakfast any longer!...checked my emails, had a quick breakfast, chatted with my friend who was on his way to Canada for the weekend and then headed out to the gym! Was a beautiful day out and thought about heading down to the park to run, but the mile markers aren't marked real well and I was afraid I'd give up too early. Besides, somewhere in my head I had decided that I was going to run 3 miles or 30 minutes today! Ok, now first off, I haven't run a solid non-stop 3 miles in probably about 10-12 months and second well with running about a 11-12 minute mile I sure wasn't going to get in those 3 miles in the 30 minutes...seriously, what the hell was I thinking?!?!

I got to the gym did some ab work then lots of stretching then onto the track to warm up and then run! As I walked the track to warm up those demons that have bugging me lately woke up and started chattering...they were some strong ones today. What was going to only be 3-4 lap walking warm-up turned into almost 20 minutes of walking and fighting with those demons. To top it all off i'd left my i-pod at home, usually the music lulls the demons back to sleep or I just turn it up louder to drown them out and I focus on getting through the next song...but today no music, just me and the demons! They reminded me of the weight I've gained and the clothes that don't fit that did last year, reminded me of the skittles and diet Coke I'd had at the movies last night, and how slow I am when I do run, they brought up work and that with the merger I could be out of a job within the next year, they even brought up personal relationships, they had no boundaries today... I kept trying to quiet them and rationalize with them telling them - I am at the gym, I am working out, I have my trainer, overall I am eating better, I have proved myself at my job and if/when one door closes another will open, I have at least one good friend and others who care about me. Then I glanced at the clock, 11:30 exactly, and for a brief moment I ignored everything else in my head and all i heard was "Run!".... And I did...I ran. I turned their taunts into conversations and then into debates...I was going to dispell their aweful ideas. Suddenly a couple other people , faster people, came up to the track to run and I wondered if they had demons they were conversing with...or maybe it's just me and I am crazy?! I looked at the clock and 20 minutes had passed, I was already over a mile and a half, I did a quick check and everything was feeling fine. 30 minutes, that was basically my initial goal but I only have 8 more laps to go and I'll have my 3 miles...keep pushing, nothing comes easy, sometimes we have to find our limits... I can feel blisters forming on my big toe..."stop running on your tip-toes", "control your breathing"...Oh Now the Demons are Giving Running Advice!!...

When all was done I'd ran 50 laps (a smidge over 3 miles) in 35 minutes! I did it! I ran 3 miles without stopping. I know this is no real feat to some people, I read blogs of real runners who are doing a 3 mile warm-up before their 30 mile runs, some run 50k's and even 100-miles, but for me, today, my victory came at just a smidge over 3 miles long and I did it!

So now I am home and have the rest of the afternoon to myself and I feel content.

I know those demons will be back and I will be ready for them!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Personal Training update

So had my 6th training session this morning and will be re-signing this Saturday for at least another 8 sessions, if I can figure out the finances though I may sign up for 16 -- that'll get me through to my birthday. I just find it hard to believe that the first set of sessions is almost over. Time sure does fly when you are having fun - lol.

My trainer (Steve) insists that I'm getting stronger and says it looks like I've lost some weight. But it's only been a couple of weeks, and I don't feel it or see it. All I see is the negative stuff, like I'm still not able to do lunges all that well and my form is all off and my lower back is really fighting me the past week and I don't know what's up with my running but I'm lucky to complete a mile without stopping and blah, blah, blay. I know BE POSITIVE! I am re-building my leg muscles and getting them stronger so they fatigue quicker once I run after WILL get better. The weight didn't really come on over-night, so don't expect it to come off over-night. I am eating healthier and making better choices when I eat out.